Tag: love

I Woke Up Without My Fire

When the Spark Goes Missing

No one really talks about the moment the spark disappears.

Not the dramatic moments—the heartbreaks, the blowups, the obvious endings. I mean the quiet disappearance. The slow dimming. The day you wake up and realize you don’t feel lit up by anything, but you can’t point to a single reason why.

You’re still functioning. You’re still showing up. You’re still doing the things you’re supposed to do. But it takes so much work, as the color drained out.

And the scariest part? You don’t know how to get it back.

The Quiet Loss of Myself

Losing your spark feels like trying to find a version of yourself who’s still alive, lost in pitch blackness.

You remember who you were—the way excitement used to come easily, how curiosity pulled you forward, how joy didn’t require effort or explanation. Now everything feels muted. Deafening silence. Like you’re watching your own life through thick glass.

Just a constant sense of being disconnected from yourself.

That kind of loss is lonely. It’s hard to explain to others, and even harder to validate within yourself.

Trying to Fix What Isn’t Broken

Once you realize your spark is gone, the pressure kicks in.

You should try harder. Be more grateful. Change something. Start something new. Meditate. Journal. Travel. Heal.

Suddenly, not knowing how to feel alive again becomes another thing you feel like you’re failing at.

But here’s the truth no one likes to say: sometimes the spark doesn’t disappear because you’re broken. Sometimes it fades because you’ve been surviving for too long.

You’ve been strong. You’ve been responsible. You’ve been holding it together. And sparks don’t thrive in constant endurance mode.

You Don’t Find the Spark – You Allow It

We talk about finding your spark as if it’s something lost under the couch—something you can recover with enough effort and the right tools.

But sometimes the spark doesn’t need to be found. Sometimes it needs to be allowed.

Allowed to return slowly.
Allowed to look different.
Allowed to be small at first.

The version of you who felt alive before was shaped by a different season. You can’t force that exact feeling back into a life that has changed.

And maybe that’s okay.

How do I say goodbye?

I was driving and listening to the random songs the radio plays and I heard this song the first time. I didn’t know it at all. The lyrics were sung with clarity and emotion. It hit me. And, I realized tears were rolling down my cheeks, and the road became blurry, so I had to pull over.

It was the grief I had been delaying from a loss I will never recover. The song was beautiful, but each word was like a cruel premonition I was glad not to hear before the bad news came to me.

It was the nightmare I would wake up due to wetness on my face. I never wanted it to happen.

The song is from Dean Lewis, entitled, HOW DO I SAY GOODBYE. And it goes like this (with my remarks for each line)…

Early morning there’s a message on my phone (It was 4am CDT when I received the message)
It’s my mother saying, “Darling, please come home” (It was my kuya saying, tatay is gone, could you come home?)
I fear the worst, but how could you leave us all behind? (My worst fear is now reality)
There’s so much to say but there’s so little time (There are so many things I dreamt for him, but little time to turn them into life)

So how do I say goodbye (How do I really say goodbye?)
To someone who’s been with me for my whole damn life? (From birth until 2021, I was with him)
You gave me my name and the color of your eyes (Literally, he gave me my name cos my mom was still unconscious from the C-section)
I see your face when I look at mine (I see your nose when I look mine, an insecurity that I learned to embrace)
So how do I, how do I, how do I say goodbye? (How do I?)

When I couldn’t, you always saw the best in me (He was my number 1 cheerleader)
Right or wrong, you were always on my side (When I doubt myself, he was there to lift me up)
But I’m scared of what life without you’s like (I couldn’t imagine my life without you, but then it’s my life now)
And I saw the way she looked into your eyes (I saw the way you looked into us, to live our lives and not worry about you anymore)
And I promise if you go, I will make sure she’s alright (I could say that nanay looks alright)

So how do I say goodbye (I still can’t)
To someone who’s been with me for my whole damn life? (You can’t expect me to. It was 3 decades of my life you were with me, loving me unconditionally)
You gave me my name and the color of your eyes (Luzviminda, dark brown eyes – all came from you)
I see your face when I look at mine (I see the love you gave when I don’t desperately crave for another guy’s attention)
So how do I, how do I, how do I say goodbye? (In time)

And there’s no way you could ever let me down (You left, but you fought a good fight)
Gonna steal some time and start again (No time to steal, but will start again without you)
You’ll always be my closest friend (The first man who showed me how love should look like)
And someday we are gonna make it out (I will try to make it out of this life for you)
Just hold the light, just hold the light (You’d always be that star shining the brightest to light me up when life is getting dark)

So how do I say goodbye
To someone who’s been with me for my whole damn life?
You gave me my name and the color of your eyes
I see your face when I look at mine
So how do I, how do I, how do I say goodbye?
So how do I, how do I, how do I say goodbye?

The cheating incident: what friends can do?

In the recent events on cheating incidences I’ve been seeing from celebrities, it reminded me of the time when someone was caught cheating not just once but several times.

It has been a big question mark for me from that moment until now why people cheat. I even Googled reasons why cheaters cheat. Some answers that I found were between insecurities and no contentment of cheaters. But I guess the answer would be cheating will never be justifiable by any means.

Luckily, it was not me who got cheated on. Not happily though because it was a friend that was very dear and close to my heart.

That relationship lasted for 5 years. The cheating happened every year. At first, as a friend you will advise them gently of what they can do, but as years passed by with the same cheating happening, you will get tired of your stubborn friend especially if you are someone who has never been in that kind of relationship and does not fully understand the why in there.

It was easy for me as an immature friend to tell my friend how stupid and dumb she was for accepting that guy each time he knocks on the door asking for forgiveness, wanting her back and telling her that he won’t do it again after concrete evidences of the cheating incidences. It repeated several times that I lost count and got tired of repeating my advise to her – which was a mistake from an immature friend.

Then, on their fifth year, I was very happy but still doubtful when she called it quits because it happened several times before. She would tell me that she would break up with him but then after a week they will get back together. It became a broken record that keeps happening over and over again until that point. But, on that fifth year, she broke up with him and never accepted him ever again despite his pleas and promises.

I was so proud of her. She was strong. But, that made a huge impact on how she sees her worth now not only in love but also in other aspects of life like career and friends. It was sad but still a beautiful beginning. She may start again but at least she did not end up spending the rest of her life dealing with the pain from an unfaithful partner.

As a friend, the least that you can do is to not get tired of telling your friend about their worth. In my experience, people in a relationship stay in the relationship despite unfaithfulness because they have hopes that things may change for the better because of love. It may or it may not. Some would argue that cheaters will always be cheaters and I hate to admit it but I agree with them. There may be rare occasions that they will change but it is as rare as the number of people going to the moon. If you know your friend is in a relationship with a cheater, be patient with your friend and give your well-thought advise without making her feel that she is being judged. Do your best to not let them get trapped with an unfaithful partner for the rest of their lives. As a friend, our role should be to shed some light that will let them see what is their worth and hope that in the end that friend will decide for the best.

December 8: I’m scared and overwhelmed (but it is needed)

I woke up praying that God would give strength for the next coming days. It is scary and overwhelming this journey. Not only because it is creating new good habits but because the damages I made yesterday have been showing me the amount of work that I have to accomplish in this process of replacing the old me of a new and better version of me living my life to the fullest – maybe living the fullest does not mean rainbows and butterflies, maybe it is actually living your best self for your life’s mission despite the struggles.

Life is not meant to be easy. Life is meant to be lived. And to live is to feel – the hard, the struggle, the challenge, and the discomfort. Being scared and overwhelmed are not pleasing feelings but these are moments we will for sure remember for the rest of our lives. But, make sure you are feeling this now for the good of your future self.