I was driving and listening to the random songs the radio plays and I heard this song the first time. I didn’t know it at all. The lyrics were sung with clarity and emotion. It hit me. And, I realized tears were rolling down my cheeks, and the road became blurry, so I had to pull over.

It was the grief I had been delaying from a loss I will never recover. The song was beautiful, but each word was like a cruel premonition I was glad not to hear before the bad news came to me.

It was the nightmare I would wake up due to wetness on my face. I never wanted it to happen.

The song is from Dean Lewis, entitled, HOW DO I SAY GOODBYE. And it goes like this (with my remarks for each line)…

Early morning there’s a message on my phone (It was 4am CDT when I received the message)
It’s my mother saying, “Darling, please come home” (It was my kuya saying, tatay is gone, could you come home?)
I fear the worst, but how could you leave us all behind? (My worst fear is now reality)
There’s so much to say but there’s so little time (There are so many things I dreamt for him, but little time to turn them into life)

So how do I say goodbye (How do I really say goodbye?)
To someone who’s been with me for my whole damn life? (From birth until 2021, I was with him)
You gave me my name and the color of your eyes (Literally, he gave me my name cos my mom was still unconscious from the C-section)
I see your face when I look at mine (I see your nose when I look mine, an insecurity that I learned to embrace)
So how do I, how do I, how do I say goodbye? (How do I?)

When I couldn’t, you always saw the best in me (He was my number 1 cheerleader)
Right or wrong, you were always on my side (When I doubt myself, he was there to lift me up)
But I’m scared of what life without you’s like (I couldn’t imagine my life without you, but then it’s my life now)
And I saw the way she looked into your eyes (I saw the way you looked into us, to live our lives and not worry about you anymore)
And I promise if you go, I will make sure she’s alright (I could say that nanay looks alright)

So how do I say goodbye (I still can’t)
To someone who’s been with me for my whole damn life? (You can’t expect me to. It was 3 decades of my life you were with me, loving me unconditionally)
You gave me my name and the color of your eyes (Luzviminda, dark brown eyes – all came from you)
I see your face when I look at mine (I see the love you gave when I don’t desperately crave for another guy’s attention)
So how do I, how do I, how do I say goodbye? (In time)

And there’s no way you could ever let me down (You left, but you fought a good fight)
Gonna steal some time and start again (No time to steal, but will start again without you)
You’ll always be my closest friend (The first man who showed me how love should look like)
And someday we are gonna make it out (I will try to make it out of this life for you)
Just hold the light, just hold the light (You’d always be that star shining the brightest to light me up when life is getting dark)

So how do I say goodbye
To someone who’s been with me for my whole damn life?
You gave me my name and the color of your eyes
I see your face when I look at mine
So how do I, how do I, how do I say goodbye?
So how do I, how do I, how do I say goodbye?