Tag: family

How do I say goodbye?

I was driving and listening to the random songs the radio plays and I heard this song the first time. I didn’t know it at all. The lyrics were sung with clarity and emotion. It hit me. And, I realized tears were rolling down my cheeks, and the road became blurry, so I had to pull over.

It was the grief I had been delaying from a loss I will never recover. The song was beautiful, but each word was like a cruel premonition I was glad not to hear before the bad news came to me.

It was the nightmare I would wake up due to wetness on my face. I never wanted it to happen.

The song is from Dean Lewis, entitled, HOW DO I SAY GOODBYE. And it goes like this (with my remarks for each line)…

Early morning there’s a message on my phone (It was 4am CDT when I received the message)
It’s my mother saying, “Darling, please come home” (It was my kuya saying, tatay is gone, could you come home?)
I fear the worst, but how could you leave us all behind? (My worst fear is now reality)
There’s so much to say but there’s so little time (There are so many things I dreamt for him, but little time to turn them into life)

So how do I say goodbye (How do I really say goodbye?)
To someone who’s been with me for my whole damn life? (From birth until 2021, I was with him)
You gave me my name and the color of your eyes (Literally, he gave me my name cos my mom was still unconscious from the C-section)
I see your face when I look at mine (I see your nose when I look mine, an insecurity that I learned to embrace)
So how do I, how do I, how do I say goodbye? (How do I?)

When I couldn’t, you always saw the best in me (He was my number 1 cheerleader)
Right or wrong, you were always on my side (When I doubt myself, he was there to lift me up)
But I’m scared of what life without you’s like (I couldn’t imagine my life without you, but then it’s my life now)
And I saw the way she looked into your eyes (I saw the way you looked into us, to live our lives and not worry about you anymore)
And I promise if you go, I will make sure she’s alright (I could say that nanay looks alright)

So how do I say goodbye (I still can’t)
To someone who’s been with me for my whole damn life? (You can’t expect me to. It was 3 decades of my life you were with me, loving me unconditionally)
You gave me my name and the color of your eyes (Luzviminda, dark brown eyes – all came from you)
I see your face when I look at mine (I see the love you gave when I don’t desperately crave for another guy’s attention)
So how do I, how do I, how do I say goodbye? (In time)

And there’s no way you could ever let me down (You left, but you fought a good fight)
Gonna steal some time and start again (No time to steal, but will start again without you)
You’ll always be my closest friend (The first man who showed me how love should look like)
And someday we are gonna make it out (I will try to make it out of this life for you)
Just hold the light, just hold the light (You’d always be that star shining the brightest to light me up when life is getting dark)

So how do I say goodbye
To someone who’s been with me for my whole damn life?
You gave me my name and the color of your eyes
I see your face when I look at mine
So how do I, how do I, how do I say goodbye?
So how do I, how do I, how do I say goodbye?

That ONE decision that changed my LIFE – I jumped off the cliff without a parachute

I was not born from a rich family nor a jobless set of parents.

But, I grew up in a neighborhood surrounded by poverty. When I was a kid I still ate 3 times a week and even attended a private school. I did not know poverty back then. Then, my family hit rock bottom in terms of finances just before my 11th birthday.

I experienced poverty. I had to walk an hour to go to school. I could not afford the food my classmates buy in the cafeteria. I mostly had thrifted or hand-me-down stuff. We could not afford to get our house fixed – and in a country that gets typhoons with heavy rains, every year we would have dripping water inside our house, get anxiety because the typhoon may destroy our house or we would have to evacuate somewhere because of flood.

And then I wrote in my journal: I wanted to own a new house for my family that is at least not situated in a flood-prone area. A goal I thought I could get with a simple job after college.

I studied because admittedly I believed the classic saying that it will give you good fortune.

I worked while I was studying so I can have extra money to help my family’s finances. But, we were still struggling a lot. Always anxious whenever a family member got sick.

If you grew up in a place surrounded by extreme poverty, your mindset will be simple. You will just want to eat in a day and not get sick. My goal was to finish school and get a job. Because my thinking was we struggled and survived long enough so why do I have to raise the bar and struggle for more? I did not dream big back then. I became scared of making a mistake because I could not afford to lose my job.

I graduated. I got a job enough to pay the bills and help my parents. But I grew up scared of going out of my comfort zone and make mistakes because I could not afford to not have a job even for a week especially that we pay a lot of medical bills every week and my parents stopped working already! I feel like at that point I was contented being able to help in the bills and provide our basic needs.

Then, my contract in my job was about to end. There was an internship offer abroad but no assurance of me having a job after 8 months there nor in the Philippines. It was both scary and exciting because for the longest time a tiny speck of dust like me would be able to experience the vastness of the universe.

That time I had to make a decision – to jump off the cliff without a parachute. It was a move without any back up plan nor someone to pick me up if I get to crash myself into pieces. I had zero savings and an ounce of optimism in my heart.

But, that jump was the decision that CHANGED MY LIFE drastically. It gave me an opportunity that I never thought I could possibly have. It was not easy though. I still need to work hard on myself to have a better mindset and get things done very well.

Although I am not rich yet, I can say that I am now in a better place as well as my family.

I am debt free. I have my own car. I can buy food I crave. I have stuff that I bought brand new. Although I do not own a house, my apartment is located in a place that is not flood prone and has no dripping roof and can thrive strong winds. I am experiencing a new life I never imagined in my wildest dreams possible.

I still have a long way but I am confident now that all the decisions I made brought me to where I am now ,and it is truly fascinating to see the growth I have made and I will make in the future.

Going out of our comfort zone is never easy but it will be worth it in the long run.