I grew up thinking I was not beautiful. Error 404: no confidence found. Until I found acceptance and love within myself through the people I met and experiences I had.

What is beauty standard? For me, it is the physical appearance perceived by the general public in the community as beautiful. In the Philippines, I grew up thinking that you have to have the following main traits to be considered as a ‘beautiful’ woman (very Western look):

• Slim or small nose with high bridge
• White Skin
• Straight teeth
• Slim body
• Light brown eyes or other color than dark brown/black
• Straight hair
• Even skin-tone from head to toe

Guess what? I have straight hair. That’s it! LOL!

Slim and tall nose and white skin are the main traits that make you look beautiful. And I have a fat with non-existent bridge nose, dark skin tone, crooked teeth, black eyes and uneven skin tone. There was also a time in my life that I got fat and was borderline obese. And, that swallowed my confidence at presenting myself to people.

There was even a TV show back then called “Bakekang” that depicted these traits as ugly and unattractive. I hated that show because it made me anxious that my classmates or other random people would tease me as that Bakekang girl. And, not long enough, voila! My fear came in the form of a kid that lived in the alleyway where I had to walked by everyday going to school. And that was the time I lost the last ounce of confidence.

When I started working, I used my extra savings to conform to the beauty standard: I used whitening products and it lightened my skin! I had braces and I got straightened teeth! I exercised and lost 20lbs! I even thought of saving money to get a rhinoplasty but this never happened. But, the other successful stuff made me gain confidence! Although the white skin didn’t last because I love my job as an agronomist and we had to do field works making my skin dark every summer season.

I did those things mainly for me to gain back my confidence and I believe there is nothing wrong on wanting to improve the traits that you think bad especially when you are doing it for yourself and not to please other people.

During that transition from my past “ugly” self to the new “beautiful” self, I advanced my education, found true friends with variety of personality, got to travel to different places, met a lot of people from different parts of the world, and had my share of good and the bad in life, and that’s how I slowly changed my perspective about my physical appearance. I came to the realization that I was born to be different and not conform to the standard that the society has set.

I still have my big fat nose and dark skin and I am also gaining weight lately because I am stressed. LOL. But, those didn’t lessen my love for my physical appearance because my appearance have never defined my core values. My will never depend on what others think about my appearance. My worth is based on how I define it which are based on how I feel within myself and how I made other people’s well-being better by doing my best work.

It is fine to do all those physical changes that you perceive will help you but make sure you are not stepping on other people’s feet. To feel beautiful is part of self-care that you should not deprive yourself with.

It’s cliché to say that do not settle for less than what you deserve but it is not that easy. When your brain is wired of thinking that you are ugly or too bad for something it is easy to give in to things with low standards. But, I hope you weigh the pros and cons and learn from it. And one day, I hope you wake up thinking that you deserve just the best things in the world not because you impressed or pleased other people but because you are you.