The first Father’s Day that tatay is gone

It is June 21, 2023, 12 noon. I had been wanting to write this last Sunday in time for Father’s Day, but I could not as it was bringing me to tears. This year was the first time that I could not tell tatay “Happy Father’s Day” after more than 2 decades of almost constantly celebrating the day of the best tatay ever. It has been 8 months since he left, and the pain is still there. In quiet moments, grief visits me unexpectedly, especially on occasions that remind me of good times and habits that we shared – like yearly Father’s Day greetings. Whenever I greeted him during those years it never felt like an extra special day as he would not react that much and it is fine – his love language was service and not words of affirmation anyway. Usually, we would wake up early morning on that Father’s Day Sunday to go to church and then eat out to celebrate. I know from his smile that he really appreciated and was happy during those days. In 2021, I accepted the internship in the US to learn and gain experience as well as earn better for the life I imagined for him and nanay. But even if I was not at home, I would try to call or text nanay (because tatay never had a phone) to tell tatay Happy Father’s Day. It was a yearly habit for me because every day was a special day with the best tatay ever. Father’s Day became a habit – second Sunday of the week of June felt like an ordinary day regardless if we were out or at home and just say it out loud to tatay, until the year that I can no longer say that to him. The weight of losing the best tatay is slowly sinking in. The nightmare that I had always feared and that woke me up in the past brings me tears that do not wake me up anymore because it is a reality that I am facing every single day until I get used to it.  I remember when I was a kid, I prayed so hard that heaven would give my tatay and nanay more years to live by trading 20 years of my life to give tatay and nanay 10 more extra years each. I wanted to give them a house, car, and easy life on Earth after college graduation which did not happen. Tatay got very sick when I was in 5^th grade, he was so close to death but then I prayed so hard again that he would survive that time and promised something to God – but God was kind enough because I broke that promise and he still let tatay lived for 20 more years. And then, I promised myself to give them a convenient life before they left Earth, but I was very complacent. I thought he could still wait for that to happen – he tried and did his best. Dialysis was no joke; he was able to endure all the pain to fight for his life because we wanted him to fight – I was selfish and wanted him to wait for me for that day to come when he would not ride a tricycle anymore and not be anxious about typhoons that may destroy our house but that day will never come anymore because we had to surrender him to God – the pain he was experiencing seemed to be unbearable for his old body already. The thought that I will never see him again is still painful. I miss you tatay. You will always be the best tatay ever. Sana naibigay ko pa din yung buhay na pinapangarap ko para sayo bago mo man lang nilisan ‘tong mundo. Ang bilis ng panahon. Isang iglap wala ka na. Akala ko maiintay mo pa kong magtapos ng PhD. Ginagawa ko naman ‘to kasi natutuwa ako kapag nakikita kitang proud na proud kang binibida mo ko sa mga kaibigan mo. Sorry kung hindi ko naibigay yung maalwan na buhay sayo. Pero alam mo kahit mahirap handa akong ipangutang ka madugtungan lang yung buhay mo. Pero kita ko namang hirap na hirap ka na noon kaya kinailangan ko nang isuko ka kay Lord kahit ayaw ko pa talaga. Kahit handa akong ipaglaban ka kahit malubog pa ko sa utang wala akong pakeelam. Tay, mahirap itong PhD. Wala pa kong motivation lately kasi ikaw yung number 1 cheerleader ko sa journey na to tapos wala ka na. Ayaw ko nang ipangako na tatapusin ko to or makakapublish ako kasi ‘di ko natutupad pag pinapangako ko. Pangarap kong maipakita sayo yung dissertation ko na ginawa ko yung best ko. Gusto kong maipakita sayo yung last name mo na dala dala ko mga publication ko. Hindi ka man mayaman o feeling mo man pabigat ka sa finances natin, mahal na mahal kita at proud na proud ako sayo at gusto kong isigaw sa mundo na anak ako ng tatay ko dahil sa pangalan ko na ikaw ang nagpalathala at apelyido mo sa mga publication ko. Dadalhin ko sa puntod mo at ipapakita yung published paper ko. Hindi ito pangako, gagawin ko na lang. Miss ko nga yung ngiti at tawa mo. Yung bibilhan mo kong itik, mais at binatog kasi alam mong paborito ko yon. Yung sa umaga handa na yung baon ko. Yung gusto mong ikaw magprito ng isda ko. Yung kaya ko naman ihanda yung baon ko pero gusto mo ikaw pa din magluluto kahit masama pakiramdam mo. Sobrang naappreciate ko yon. Sana next life mo mayaman ka at hindi ka worried sa bagyo at finances. At kung papipiliin ako, ikaw pa din yung gusto kong maging tatay.