I DO NOT HAVE A CLUE HOW. LOL.
I’m not even kidding.
Right now I am completely confused.
Since the day that I get to realize the responsibility of being an adult I have never decided what I wanted to do in life.
I have been going with the flow since then.
And that flow never stops.
I graduated high school and when our teacher was asking what I want to be, I was clueless. So clueless that I even wrote the most farfetched dream I could I ever dreamt of that time- to be a medical doctor. A profession that requires money, time and effort which I do not have the luxury to spend given our struggling financial status back then. But then I wrote it because I needed to fill out my completion form for graduation. LOL. Lucky those people who know what they want at the age of 15.
Life was so magical for me after that high school graduation. I failed the entrance exam in my dream school but I still graduated in that university. I said I am done with school and I will start earning. But I do not know what I want in life still after college. So I worked in the academia where I was able to travel my own country for free, and it was a lot of fun. And then, I had to move to another research which was very slow so I decided to do graduate school and while working I finished my master’s. School gave me direction when I was not sure of what to do in life — it is well structured that I never planned for my life.
After my contract ended in the academia back home, I was given the opportunity to work in the US and that too felt so magical. Something I had never imagined will happen in my life. Then I got an offer for a PhD which was a once in a lifetime opportunity that I grabbed even if I was so scared. And it was one of the best decisions in my life — it has never been easy — but I have grown a looot since the day I embraced something I was scared of. It was a lot of tears, blood and sweat (literally and figuratively) to heal and grow from self-inflicted wounds and dormancy I gave myself for years. Then, just as fast as lightning, I am left with few months to complete and defend my manuscript and figure out what I want in life.
Early in my college years, I wrote in my diary that I wanted to have a job that is stable and will allow me to sustain my parents’ needs and buy them a new house and car which was paradoxical to what I was aiming for — which was to have a mundane job that the paycheck could barely pay my needs. And now, more than 10 years later, I still do not have the specifics of what I want in life.
I am clueless. The only thing I know in my heart was that I want a job that I will see problems and failures as part of learning and not stressful events and each morning I will get excited to get out of my bed to go to work. A side business that will be an outlet of my other creative side that I still have yet to discover. That in both streams of income I will be able to live my life to my full potential enjoying what I am doing while earning beyond what the bills require.
I have always assume that my life was like a basketball game wherein the basketball ring do not have a ring and has only the board, and getting a three points from my once in a lifetime shot was way too impossible. There was no ring and I am not a basketball player. But life has proven me otherwise — that I am more than capable of what I could imagine I can — that everything is gonna be alright in the end.
larswrites 